Tonight I feel very alone. It is not a good, fun feeling. In fact, it sucks. A guy called tonight and invited me and the boys to his place for swimming and fun tomorrow and I turned him down. I like this guy. Man. really a great guy and is good with my kids. That's important for me. But I'm not interested in him for more than a friend. I wish I was. A guy that I wouldn't mind dating doesn't seem to be talking to me. Not that we talk a ton, so chances are really good that I am imagining this, but I am feeling ignored, which is also not a good feeling.
Marriage was supposed to stop all this. Not that I got married to not be alone, but I was married, I'm not supposed to be where I am at my age. I was supposed to be a stay-home mom and raising my kids and taking care of my husband, who would take care of me in return. Things didn't work out the way I wanted them to. I didn't want to be divorced, but at some point, some one has to watch over me and make sure I am healthy enough, physically, mentally, and emotionally, to take care of the kids. No one was. So I left the relationship that was making me sicker and got myself in a much better place. But that doesn't mean I don't long for what could have been.
A friend of mine recently left her husband. She keeps talking to me like I am going to approve of her choices. Sorry, I don't. I don't think she was in as bad a place as she makes it out to be and I don't think it's only her husband who needs to work on their marriage. I think she needs to do a lot herself. I also don't think she's listening to me and is only hearing what she wants to. I wish there was a way to make her understand what she is giving up before it's too late.
I know this post has been a bit of a downer, and despite how I sound tonight, I am still not sorry I left my marriage. It was the right decision for me and my kids. But tonight I am lonely and really wish I had someone here.
