Note to Self

J. sent me an e-mail this morning. As a result of that e-mail, I am making a note to myself, should any of my children ever divorce.

1. Do not ask the daughter-in-law to get back with my son. I am going to remember that this is their life and their decision. One they prayed about and came to their own conclusion. My daughter-in-law is not going to appreciate unasked for advice, particularly not the advice to go back to my son. Especially not over and over and over. And over.

2. Don't ask the grandchildren anything about their parents. The children do not and should not be involved in their parent's divorce. This is not a decision they make, they likely feel badly enough about it already, and I do not need to pump them for information. Instead, I should listen carefully to what they want to tell me about and mind my own business.

3. Don't use any information the grandchildren volunteer against their parents, specifically their mother. I am aware that my daughter-in-law will not be perfect and she is going to make mistakes. If my grandchildren choose to tell me about some of her mistakes, or I think her house is not clean enough, etc. I will keep this to myself and remember that she is doing the best she can.

4. Do not send my daughter-in-law any article or suggestions that tell her the devastating effects divorce has on her children. I'm sure she will be an intelligent woman and knows that divorce is not the first choice, ever. She will have made her decisions carefully and with much thought and prayer. I do not have the right to inspiration for her family, she does, as does my son. It is not my place to interfere with their decisions or to point out any potential negative effects of those decisions.

5. Remain kind and loving to my daughter-in-law. I am not suggesting that I ought to shun my son, but remember that my daughter-in-law, although divorced from my son, is still a member of the family and ought to be treated as such. A card or phone call on her birthday, Mother's Day, and Christmas would be appropriate. If given the opportunity, say to her, "What can I do to help?" or "Why don't I take the kids for the evening so you can go to a movie/ get a pedicure/ visit a friend?"

6. If it is financially feasible for me, make sure my daughter-in-law has sufficient funds for herself and the children. No, she does not need to live in luxury, but being able to put food and the table and pay the bills is necessary and stressful when it is not possible. A night out does wonders for the mom as well and will help her to be a better parent when she is with the children.

Now, I focus on what I am not going to do to my daughter-in-law, but this in no way means I am going to "side" against my son. I believe that any potential divorce is strictly between the two that were married and ought to stay that way. It would be my position to stay neutral and just love all involved.