Friends

An old friend, B, came into town yesterday and we went out to dinner with another mutual friend, A. It was great to be back together again and so great to see them! A has been really busy so I haven't even talked to her for months. A lot of months. And B lives across the country so we never see her and she is also busy so I never get to talk to her, either. That, and I have trouble reaching out when I am struggling and since I've been doing a lot of that lately... well, I haven't talked to them for a long time.

We've all had troubles in our marriages, all three of us. In fast, all three marriages seemed to hit the fan right about the same time. A and B have managed to hold on to theirs and I'm glad they have. It hurts when we talk and I realize that they still have problems in their marriages because they have had enough crap and I just want them to have a good life with good men. And mostly they do, but hard time are just... hard. We talked about my dating life (the whole one date) and why I wasn't crazy about him and they expressed a little jealousy that they didn't get a first date and falling in love again. But I think we all know that they are so much more lucky that I am - they have a husband that loves them. And really, at my age, who wants to have to be back in the dating game? No one!

So glad you came into town, B! And I wish you could stay longer!

Letters

Dear Mailperson (I happen to have a mail MAN, but that's no longer PC),

I would really love it if you would quit bringing me more bills. Let's face it, I have no money and it just causes stress for me to see them. So just don't bring them anymore. Instead, please bring large checks. Will six zeros. Or more. I would be ok with more. Actually, if you bring me the large checks, I would be ok with the bills. So just bring both. Thanks-
Me


Dear children,

I happen to know that you were all born with function arms, hand, legs and feet. So why does it seem to be impossible for you to put things away? I've lost track of how many times I have had to put away the peanut butter and the cold cereal after you have left it out. And we won't even start on the laundry. Please work on it.
Love,
Mom


Dear world,

I'm a little cranky and stressed out most of the time. Sorry.
Me

Alone

Tonight I feel very alone. It is not a good, fun feeling. In fact, it sucks. A guy called tonight and invited me and the boys to his place for swimming and fun tomorrow and I turned him down. I like this guy. Man. really a great guy and is good with my kids. That's important for me. But I'm not interested in him for more than a friend. I wish I was. A guy that I wouldn't mind dating doesn't seem to be talking to me. Not that we talk a ton, so chances are really good that I am imagining this, but I am feeling ignored, which is also not a good feeling.

Marriage was supposed to stop all this. Not that I got married to not be alone, but I was married, I'm not supposed to be where I am at my age. I was supposed to be a stay-home mom and raising my kids and taking care of my husband, who would take care of me in return. Things didn't work out the way I wanted them to. I didn't want to be divorced, but at some point, some one has to watch over me and make sure I am healthy enough, physically, mentally, and emotionally, to take care of the kids. No one was. So I left the relationship that was making me sicker and got myself in a much better place. But that doesn't mean I don't long for what could have been.

A friend of mine recently left her husband. She keeps talking to me like I am going to approve of her choices. Sorry, I don't. I don't think she was in as bad a place as she makes it out to be and I don't think it's only her husband who needs to work on their marriage. I think she needs to do a lot herself. I also don't think she's listening to me and is only hearing what she wants to. I wish there was a way to make her understand what she is giving up before it's too late.

I know this post has been a bit of a downer, and despite how I sound tonight, I am still not sorry I left my marriage. It was the right decision for me and my kids. But tonight I am lonely and really wish I had someone here.

First date

I went on my first date since I met my ex-husband last night. It was strange to be going out with someone else. It was strange to dress up, put on make-up, and get ready for someone to pick me up. It was strange to have someone open car doors for me and let me get in and the lose the door behind me, strange to have someone ask if I wanted popcorn or a drink, strange to have someone even care about it. It's been a long time. Having those little courtesies performed was nice. I had to remind myself to sit in the car and wait for him to open the door for me and it felt odd. My ex never did that for me.

So, what did I think? I'm not sure. It's hard to know. I felt awkward and not natural. I'm not so sure I want to be dating again. I did this once already, I shouldn't be here again. I don't want to be here again. Is he going to call again? Do I even want him to call again? I'm just not sure. I don't know. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but neither do I want to be in a bad marriage again.

The Singles Scene

I went to my very first singles activity on Sunday. It was a fireside, which was nice. I was able to sit and listen to a nice speaker without any interference from small children. Or fighting children. I even had a few people from my ward show up, so I even knew a couple of people. I was surprised that no one introduced themselves to me, however. I did expect a little more friendliness toward a new face. Perhaps everyone was new, I wouldn't know, and I did not introduce myself. Too shy, too insecure. Once the speaker was done, I felt awkward, out of place. I don't want to "hit the singles scene". I've done that already. At this point of my life, I am supposed to be well past that, not starting all over. Yuck. One of the ladies from my ward was upset afterward. She is also recently divorced, not by her choice. I think she was hoping for more than she got. She began to cry a little because there were no cute guys her age and she doesn't want to be alone for the rest of her life. I don't blame here there - neither do I! But I'll be ok if I am.

In other news, an old friend of mine from high school got married again over the weekend. She has only been divorced five months and married someone we both went to high school with. I'm concerned for her simply because it seems so fast. Surely you don't heal from a divorce in five months. I think I would be ok event though my divorce has only been final for three months, but I was also separated for over two years previous to that. Like 2000 miles away, separated. I've had some time and distance. I hope she's ok and that the new marriage works out. There is no way around it - divorce stinks.

Note to Self

J. sent me an e-mail this morning. As a result of that e-mail, I am making a note to myself, should any of my children ever divorce.

1. Do not ask the daughter-in-law to get back with my son. I am going to remember that this is their life and their decision. One they prayed about and came to their own conclusion. My daughter-in-law is not going to appreciate unasked for advice, particularly not the advice to go back to my son. Especially not over and over and over. And over.

2. Don't ask the grandchildren anything about their parents. The children do not and should not be involved in their parent's divorce. This is not a decision they make, they likely feel badly enough about it already, and I do not need to pump them for information. Instead, I should listen carefully to what they want to tell me about and mind my own business.

3. Don't use any information the grandchildren volunteer against their parents, specifically their mother. I am aware that my daughter-in-law will not be perfect and she is going to make mistakes. If my grandchildren choose to tell me about some of her mistakes, or I think her house is not clean enough, etc. I will keep this to myself and remember that she is doing the best she can.

4. Do not send my daughter-in-law any article or suggestions that tell her the devastating effects divorce has on her children. I'm sure she will be an intelligent woman and knows that divorce is not the first choice, ever. She will have made her decisions carefully and with much thought and prayer. I do not have the right to inspiration for her family, she does, as does my son. It is not my place to interfere with their decisions or to point out any potential negative effects of those decisions.

5. Remain kind and loving to my daughter-in-law. I am not suggesting that I ought to shun my son, but remember that my daughter-in-law, although divorced from my son, is still a member of the family and ought to be treated as such. A card or phone call on her birthday, Mother's Day, and Christmas would be appropriate. If given the opportunity, say to her, "What can I do to help?" or "Why don't I take the kids for the evening so you can go to a movie/ get a pedicure/ visit a friend?"

6. If it is financially feasible for me, make sure my daughter-in-law has sufficient funds for herself and the children. No, she does not need to live in luxury, but being able to put food and the table and pay the bills is necessary and stressful when it is not possible. A night out does wonders for the mom as well and will help her to be a better parent when she is with the children.

Now, I focus on what I am not going to do to my daughter-in-law, but this in no way means I am going to "side" against my son. I believe that any potential divorce is strictly between the two that were married and ought to stay that way. It would be my position to stay neutral and just love all involved.

Child Support

I did not have money magically appear in my bank account last week. It was not a good thing. Rent was due, bills need to be paid, and so on. I was trying hard to breath and have some faith that we would be taken care of, but it is really difficult when you watch the numbers in your bank account continue to go down and there is nothing going in. I think I checked my bank account at least once every day this past week. Obsessive... perhaps. But today it was rewarded. Child support had arrived! Hooray! I got my older kids on the busses and sent them off to school, then gathered #6 and headed off to the store. I swear, there is no better feeling than being able to walk into the store and know you can get stuff and actually pay for it! It was heady! I was ecstatic! I could buy shampoo so I am not sharing the one bottle left with my children and really hoping each morning that #1 remembered to put it back in my shower when he was done with it so I don't end up running across the house naked - again. I could replace the cleaner that #6 emptied into the toilet one day and flushed. I could buy wrapping paper for some gifts I have been making. I can write checks to the babysitter and not worry about them bouncing. I don't think there is a more liberating feeling than knowing you can actually pay your bills! Some day, I am going to be done with school and have a job that pays my bills without child support. That way, if I get it, it's a bonus. If I don't get it, we're still ok and I am not panicking. I can't wait!

Income Withholding Orders

I love them. What's not to love? The money comes out of L.'s paycheck and is deposited into my account. Love it. I know it's coming. And it comes. Reliably. No more wondering if he is going to think I've been "nice" enough to him, no more wondering how much he feels I ought to get, not more arguing over whether or not I should be able to live off what he feels like sending me. love, love, love those withholding order! And the new one ought to be depositing some money in my account tomorrow. Hooray! Here's to hoping it happens!

Money Matters

Our society runs on money. We all have bills to pay... assuming we have moved out of our parents' houses and are on our own. Even then, you probably have a bill or two. I get this. I have a pile of my own bills as I struggle to provide some sort of living for my children. I'm tired of getting a listing of L.'s bills. I don't care how much money you owe and to whom. Just send the dang child support. He hasn't paid it in a month now and is nearly $5000 behind. That's a lot of child support. Do you know what I could do with all that money? Well, I wouldn't constantly have to tell my boys no to everything. That would be nice. My 9 year old wanted 50 cents to buy ice cream at school today. Do I have 50 cents? No. I had to scrounge to find $2 for the dang tooth fairy last night. So, L., sorry to hear about the three traffic citations (tickets) you received while traveling to your new place of residence (giving me the address would be nice- you've lived there for 6 weeks now and you are legally required to do it!), but that's life. You broke the law, you pay the bill. Child support still comes first. It would be nice not to have to panic about paying my bills.

Me, controlling?

L. has told me that I am controlling. Really? I feel like the biggest push over ever. Does it make me controlling if I am trying to do what I feel is in the best interests of my children and he doesn't like it? In that sense, I suppose I am controlling, just not for the purpose he seems to think. I don't really like to be told I am controlling and part of me wants to cave in so I won't be controlling. But then I am being manipulated. I like that even less.

In this instance, he wants to take all the kids for an overnight at his parent's house, an hour and a half from home. L. barely has any contact with the kids any more. He doesn't even call them - I have the kids call him once a week. The younger two barely know who he is. He does not live in the state we do, either. They haven't seen him for six weeks. And this is probably the shortest time in 2 1/2 years they have gone before seeing him again. the older kids will be fine going to his parents house over night. No big deal. I'm concerned about the younger ones. Actually, the 9 year old will also be fine. Not sure about the 6 year old. Really concerned about the 3 year old. Don't think he'll be ok at all.

Oh, I forgot to mention that I have a court order saying that he needs to have two months of every-other-weekend parenting time with the younger three before he gets an overnight so they can get to know him again. He wants them all to go because he will have his parents there to help (he does pretty much nothing to care for the kids) and the three adults can certainly handle six kids, right? But, what if those three adults are not well-known to the younger kids. They don't see much of grandma and grandpa, either. the youngest has been to their house once in 2 1/2 years and not much before that. So he doesn't know the house and he doesn't know the people. Great.